I didn't fool myself into believing that a few posts about my self esteem issues would magically make them disappear. I know that this process will be slow. I know that I have to stop the negative self talk that I berate myself with continuously. But knowing it doesn't make it happen. People telling you to stop doesn't make it happen. One has to learn to stop it as it starts. Nip it in the bud. And replace the negativity with positivity. I believe eventually the mind will do the automatic flip and all the negatives are replaced with positives. At least this is my hope.
For myself right now, as I sit here typing, it is easy to be strong and commit myself to loving myself more. I will even carry that with me as I go about my day... and then, an offhand comment by a stranger, a co-worker, whatever, and I start to second guess my own self worth. Just last night in fact, I was driving my son and his two friends home from a movie. I was just driving, not participating in the conversation. They were talking about a young woman who was working in a store they had been shopping in. One said something about the girl flirting with the other boy....the other boy, horrified it seemed, blurted out, "UGH, she was fat and ugly"...... I immediately projected that comment onto myself. Thinking, "they must see me as fat an ugly too". Not that I want 15yr old boys to think I am hot, I don't.
It is those projections of myself into other people's minds that I think hold me back from realizing my own self worth. I cannot read their minds, therefore I do not know what they are thinking, yet, I seem to believe that I do. The worst of that is, if I see someone much like myself, I find myself thinking those negative thoughts about them....and that is troubling to me. Perhaps because I am the shallow, self centered bitch that I am, that is why I assume everyone else is as well. Maybe once I learn not to judge others.......but am I really judging others? I am not a racist, I am not the type to discriminate against anyone...... perhaps I am only judging myself in comparison to the people that I feel resemble me in one way or another. I certainly hope this to be true, because casting my negativity onto myself is one thing, projecting it onto another human being, who feels and hurts and perhaps is struggling with their own issues, is completely unacceptable.