Sunday, November 19, 2006

Slow slow process....

I didn't fool myself into believing that a few posts about my self esteem issues would magically make them disappear. I know that this process will be slow. I know that I have to stop the negative self talk that I berate myself with continuously. But knowing it doesn't make it happen. People telling you to stop doesn't make it happen. One has to learn to stop it as it starts. Nip it in the bud. And replace the negativity with positivity. I believe eventually the mind will do the automatic flip and all the negatives are replaced with positives. At least this is my hope.

For myself right now, as I sit here typing, it is easy to be strong and commit myself to loving myself more. I will even carry that with me as I go about my day... and then, an offhand comment by a stranger, a co-worker, whatever, and I start to second guess my own self worth. Just last night in fact, I was driving my son and his two friends home from a movie. I was just driving, not participating in the conversation. They were talking about a young woman who was working in a store they had been shopping in. One said something about the girl flirting with the other boy....the other boy, horrified it seemed, blurted out, "UGH, she was fat and ugly"...... I immediately projected that comment onto myself. Thinking, "they must see me as fat an ugly too". Not that I want 15yr old boys to think I am hot, I don't.

It is those projections of myself into other people's minds that I think hold me back from realizing my own self worth. I cannot read their minds, therefore I do not know what they are thinking, yet, I seem to believe that I do. The worst of that is, if I see someone much like myself, I find myself thinking those negative thoughts about them....and that is troubling to me. Perhaps because I am the shallow, self centered bitch that I am, that is why I assume everyone else is as well. Maybe once I learn not to judge others.......but am I really judging others? I am not a racist, I am not the type to discriminate against anyone...... perhaps I am only judging myself in comparison to the people that I feel resemble me in one way or another. I certainly hope this to be true, because casting my negativity onto myself is one thing, projecting it onto another human being, who feels and hurts and perhaps is struggling with their own issues, is completely unacceptable.


Anonymous said...

Remember that it is more important to love you then it is for people you don't know to like you. Too often do we assume that the judgements of others are fact and true. I am in love with a someone who is full figured. I love every inch of her. I loved her the very first time I laid my eyes on her. And I always will. There is a beauty everyone on the outside has that we all have to remember. Does one think someone like Callista Flockheart is attractive? She looks like my 12 year old nephew. I don't think most men would find something like that attractive.


Smalltown RN said...

You are writing from the heart...and that is wonderful. The most important thing in life is to be happy with who we are. When we have found that and are able to live that, that happiness oozes from us and other see and want to be around us. I have been all shapes and sizes in my life. Even when I was at my slimest I was not happy on the inside. Oh I got the attention alright but that didn't make me happy. I don't know how it happens but I believe it does eventually happen. That is acceptance for who we are. I have accepted my shape doesn't mean I don't want to keep active and excerise. But I know that this is me and well I not all that bad. Keep up the great work you are doing here.
I really enjoyed reading your blog!

hillgrandmom said...

i came to your blog from Andrew's. I know from my own experience that when I have reacted to someone thinking they think I'm useless/ not attractive, boring, whatever, those persons the interaction is terrible and almost seems to fulfill your thoughts. But when I went with at least a neutral attitude about myself, the quality of the interactions were much better.