Friday, November 17, 2006

Another small step....

There is something I have been wanting to do, but fear has been holding me back. A fear of rejection .... or reaction maybe more appropriate. I am getting a web cam....... ACK!!!

A very dear old friend of mine has been encouraging me to get one. He wants to be able to see me when we chat. We have known each other for years, and it isn't like he doesn't know what I look like.....he just says he likes to look at me. Hey, that is okay with me, I like looking at him too. I have been reluctant though. I always put my best face forward. I don't allow photographs of myself unless I have done the makeup, hair and completely scrutinize the picture before letting it be seen by anyone who may pass judgement. I am not sure why I felt that this dear friend, a man I adore, would pass judgement on me.

He tells me I am beautiful and that I should not be afraid. But it is truly fear that has held me back. It is time to relinquish my fear....and take this step. And not because someone else wants me to, but because I need to do it for me. I need to stop being afraid of myself. That has to be a first step in loving myself. I need to allow others to see my vulnerability as well. It is so easy to sit here and hide behind a computer screen.

What is really funny is that I assume that people online would reel back from the horror of a picture of me. Yet, in real life people do not run screaming from me, little children do not hide behind their mothers when I am around. So why am I afraid to bare myself (no, not naked) to those online. Especially to a man whom I was once intimately involved with. He obviously felt I was beautiful then, and he tells me I am beautiful now. I do not understand why I do not believe him.

I need to trust him. I need to trust me. I need to let go of my fear.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

A web cam. So much showing. So much vulnerability. Don't worry Rissy i'm sure if he loves you and thinks you a beautiful. I know for me, i tell my love that i love her, that she is hot. Not because i am in love with her but because she is. I could look at her on her webcam all day and night