Monday, November 20, 2006
Do I have to be thin to be beautiful?
Sometimes I think about what it would be like to be thin. I used to be, for a few minutes in high school. This picture is of me in grade 11, when I started dating my first husband. No comments about the mullet, okay? It was the style WAY back in 1982. Anyway, I look at that picture and think to myself, "I sure was a pretty girl" and I can appreciate that I was pretty, I was attractive to boys, I was popular. I was thin. I wasn't Kate Moss thin. But, I was thin. I could walk into any store and buy any clothes I wanted, and I looked good in them. I could wear a bathing suit and feel comfortable. I want to be able to find that comfort zone again. I wonder if I can actually do it in this body.
The men in my life have always been attractive. I have been legally married once. After that I was unofficially engaged to a very hot, younger man. And then most recently, I was living common-law with a tall, dark and handsome man. All of those relationships failed, I believe, largely due to lack of self-esteem. The first two, my own, the last one, his. Hard to believe someone has a feeling of less self worth than I do. I can't help to think though, that if only I were thinner, I would be happier. But how far am I willing to go for this?
I have tried the diets....no matter which one it is, they don't work for me. I rarely shed a pound. I have tried (though not that whole-heartedly) exercise. I really hate it, and feel so self conscious in a gym with all those skinny bitches pinching an inch of fat. I have considered the unthinkable....finding a website to teach me to become anorexic. They are out there, but, I am a nurse, I need to be above that. I have researched Bariatric Surgery and actually am considering this option because of other health concerns I have and family history. I am 40yrs old, and my healthy years are numbered if I don't do something to get this weight off.
But here in lies the rub. If I go through with such a drastic measure, find the body I have been searching for, will I be happy then? I have already decided that if I do the gastric bypass surgery, I will need to have a tummy tuck to get rid of the apron of fat/skin that has been so lovingly granted me by my four babies, two of which were too stubborn to come out the "right" way, causing c-sections which just compounds my problem. I will also need to have my breasts reduced, lifted and the excess skin removed, since being heavy usually endows you with larger than normal breasts. Will I be happy after all of that? Will I start to see more wrinkles and be unhappy with those? Where does it end?