Monday, April 30, 2007

A Sad Day in My History

Stop by my other blog today to see my post about this day....

Did I Just Say That OUT LOUD????

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Still searching for peace and enlightenment.....

I have been away a while. I took a small vacation away from the children and went to visit the most amazing man in my world. I always feel so wonderful when I am with him. He looks at me in a way that makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. He loves me so unconditionally. He lifts my spirit and lightens my heart in ways that I have not experienced since he and I were together many years ago. It is good to be with him.

I have some good friends as well. Friends who will tell me exactly what they are thinking, feeling....they will tell me when I have my head up my butt and actually help me pull it out. I cherish those friends. Even though it has been years since I have actually had the fortune to sit down with either of them face to face over a bottle of tequila. We keep up a friendship online through email and chat programs.

My family is a few hours away from me. I miss them and try to spend time with them when I can. My mother was just here for a few days, helping with the kids while I was away, and stayed on to visit. I love her dearly, but I find our time together can be so strained. I feel like she still thinks I am twelve years old. She comes in and takes over my home, rather than just being here and enjoying the time together. I find it difficult to have her in my home, and that makes me sad.

I am fortunate to have wonderful people in my life. My life is full. I have four healthy children and I, myself, have my health. Yet.....I am still searching for that inner peace and enlightenment.....

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Will be away for a few days........

Go check out my other blog, Did I Just Say That OUT LOUD???? Post a comment on my 100th post there, and go ahead and ask me some questions on my Open Forum.

Will see you back here after April 24th!

Friday, April 13, 2007

The Sadness Lifted Quickly....

The last post did seem rather dismal. I have been working like a fool lately, and so I haven't had the time to formulate an articulate post here. I fear this one may not be exactly it either, but that is okay.

The sadness I was feeling over the last weekend lifted quickly. For me this was a very good thing, very very important that those blue feelings do not linger long. My past struggles with depression have been difficult, so the fear of dropping back into that is very frightening. I have been medication free for over 4 years, and that is important to me. But as much as I do not want to be medicated again, I would do it in a heartbeat if I needed to. Not everyone can go off of the medications, and there is nothing wrong with that. But for me, I needed to be off of them.

But my sadness has gone. And things are looking rosier...soon I will be travelling to visit my friend and have a little R&R away from my crazy home and wild kids.

Saturday, April 7, 2007

Feeling the ebb of sadness washing up on my shores again

It may be that it is Easter, and save for my youngest child, I am spending it alone. I have not ventured to church in many years, and that makes me feel displaced. My family is all scattered and spending the holiday with their own, not as a group. My love is far away, and could not be here right now.

I did not colour eggs. I did not buy stuff for baskets except for a chocolate bunny for each child. I just do not have the spirit to do it. I feel like a failure as a mother, as a human being at times. I feel that I am just barely existing at times in this life. Like I don't have the tools to take care of the things most people take for granted.

Last year at Easter, it was a large family gathering. It was my mother's 75th birthday. I was in attendance with my four children, the man I was living with, my three step-children. I was living this charade of a large, happy family. Everyone commented on how wonderful my family was. I smiled and nodded. Never letting on how unhappy we were.......not even to myself. Not wanting to admit that I had failed, had made a poor choice. Not wanting to hurt children that I loved so dearly ... loved as my own. Not wanting my family to feel that I was to be pitied for another failed relationship.

Life is happier now. On the whole. It is less tense for sure. It is not perfect yet. It will get there. But for today, I am just sad. And feeling sad always scares me a little, because of my history of depression. The utter terror of ever going down that dark road again makes my heart stop. I believe I am in tune to my own body enough to know when it goes beyond being sad to being depressed, but one never knows for sure......