Tuesday, November 28, 2006

I love me, I love me not............

This is the tug of war that goes on in my head over and over. One minute I feel I am finally rounding this corner. The next, something happens and I feel like I haven't even gained an inch on this struggle. The loving myself is such an integral part of going forward with my life. I know that if I don't achieve this, no relationship I could hope to have will ever succeed. I am not willing to spend the rest of my life alone and lonely.

My body image is terrible. It is distorted and skewed. As I sit here, I feel okay with how I look. I know I am not perfect, but I feel okay. Until I look in the mirror. I see that spare tire around my middle, and I hate myself for it. I have these feelings of self loathing. Like if I love myself or want to love myself, I should want to do something about that. And then the feelings of disgust at not having the willpower to actually accomplish this. Then I do either one of two things....I refuse to eat anything all day, or I just say fuck it and eat everything. Neither being much of a help in the situation.

Emotional eating has always been a part of my life. I have had several periods of depression, treated and untreated in my life. Food was my medicine. Exercise not something I ever did with much regularity. There were a couple of times during my life that I tried to incorporate exercise into my day....but it seems the depression would soon override the desire to become healthy, and the exercise would fall away. I have now come to a point where I just can't bring myself to it. I know that sounds like an excuse...and it is. I won't be able to get myself past that until I start to feel like I am worth it again.

One thing, even though this journal sounds very dark and negative, I am not in a state of depression anymore. The lack of exercise and emotional eating have become a habit now. My depression has been in check and I am carrying on a functional life again, without medication. I was treated for a long time, and with the encouragement of my doctor and my family, I did a trial of getting off of the medication. It worked. That was 4 years ago. I no longer have feelings of harming myself or wanting to hide in my bed for days at a time. I no longer rage uncontrollably at my children. In those respects, my life is good, and I am happy. Even with the recent dissolution of my common-law marriage, I have not spiralled into a depression, and that is very big for me. To have enough resolve to not allow it to consume me. To know that it was for the best and it was something that needed to take place to prevent a breakdown in my mental health, that is also very big for me.

I want to find my way to a healthy balance between mind and body. To look in the mirror and see a body that my mind does not abhor. I am still not sure which one needs to be fixed........the body or the mind. I think a bit of both. I know I deserve to have peace in myself. I know I deserve unconditional love, I know I deserve to be happy, I need to find a way to accept those things in my life in the skin I have now, and stop believing that those things will only come to me if I am in a size 6 dress.

2 comments:

crazymumma said...

Love of self never will come in a size six dress. The only thing that makes me love myself is the love of my family....and excercising. I work out alought. I am bigger than I should be, but the endorphin carryover saves my sorry soul. What I am trying to say is, as hard as it is, try try your hardes, find a busy gym with lots of classes you can join. DO NOT look for huge body changes, strive for how it makes you feel.....really i promise you. Better than any therapy i have ever had in my life.

Mike said...

Hey. You posted to my blog a while ago, saying that I hadn't posted in a while. I'm trying to get back into it, but I'm on myspace now. Check it out at

http://www.myspace.com/a_note_to_self.

Hang in there. Whoever commented before me has it right. I just started jogging and if you can get past the mind-numbing boredom, the nagging lack of oxygen and the muscle fatigue, around mile 4 the endorphins kick in and it's not too bad. And it's absolutely euphoric when you're done.