I was sent an email. In this email I was .... well, accused sounds so harsh but I guess that is what it was, of posting this blog to just gain a lot of "warm fuzzies" and have people tell me that I am perfect the way I am, that I am beautiful, etc. And it made me take pause and ask myself, "Why am I posting this blog?"
First of all, any of us who publish a blog are looking for some kind of recognition of our existence to others in this world. One does not put their thoughts and feelings into a public forum and then not want anyone to see them. If you don't want them seen or commented on, write in a journal you keep locked in a box under your bed. So the accusation of me wanting to be recognised here, yes, that is valid. Do I expect everyone to just tell me I am pretty or smart or attractive. No, that I do not. I know most people who have posted have not done that, with exception of one person. But that person and I know each other in real life, not just here. Most have commented on my honesty, and the rawness with which I post these true feelings. Most of the emails I receive also are along these same lines. I have not had any negative ones. If there were a negative comment, it would stay there as well. I do not believe in censoring any ones thoughts, unless they are considered inflammatory, racist, or things along those lines. I have that right here, this is my space, and I don't want it to be taken up by garbage. If you have a particular beef with me, I have no problem, if you have a beef with an entire group of people just because of their race, religion or creed, then we have a problem.
Another reason I am posting this blog is because I know that there are many many other men and women and young people out there that are experiencing the same feelings I have felt and are still feeling, at 40 years old. My hope is that someone will read something I have said and glean from it something that will help them along their own journey to acceptance of self. If even one person finds something helpful here, I have done a good thing. The ripple effect of touching one life can be amazing. I want there to be good ripples from this.
Further, I am writing this as a catharsis. For as long as I can remember, I have felt that I didn't quite measure up. I am not sure where that started from. Kids in school, siblings, TV, .......... but I was never able to really expose my feelings. As a child, I didn't know how. As a teenager, if I tried to talk to a friend about it, it would fall on deaf ears. My father always told me I was pretty, but I feel he was disappointed when I gained weight. Not that he loved me less, but he worried about how I would be perceived, or for my health. I remember my mother telling me to "watch what you eat" when I was gaining weight in high school. I know she meant it lovingly and because she too worried, but in my already convoluted thought process, I didn't hear that. What I heard was, "You are fat, do something about it" I stuffed a lot of feelings down, deep. And I covered them with chocolate. I do not mean that to be funny. I became an emotional eater. I ate to celebrate, ate to console, ate to alleviate boredom. Now, I need to purge those feelings. I can't let them eat away at my self worth any longer. And that is a major reason I started this blog.
As I said in an earlier post, I have failed at three major relationships. I have always felt that "I" failed at them, not really giving much credence to the other party's role in it. I know that major problems stemmed from my lack of self worth. I do not intend to be alone in this world. I intend to find a partner who is loving, caring, nurturing and free of any constraints, either self imposed or imposed by other, that will keep him from giving himself fully to me. I have to be able to do the same. I realize that for me, the only way I can do that, is to heal my injured, mutilated sense of self worth. This journal, blog, whatever you want to call it, is one of several steps.
So to defend myself to the person who felt I was just trying to fill my comments page up with undulating praise of ME, that is just not accurate. To fill my mind and my thoughts with undulating praise of ME, yes, that is exactly what I intended to do. And, I am doing it rather eloquently, if I do say so myself.