Friday, September 12, 2008

When I am happy...

...I see the world as full of opportunity and promise

...the daily challenges are faced with optimism children are joys to behold

...everything seems possible

...I can see my own self worth

...I love myself

and today

...I am happy

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

When will I get it right

He said he loved me, but......I just didn't obey his commands. He bullied, pushed, tried to force me to obey. My spirit crushed, depression set in. He said he loved me but....I was too lazy, too anti-social, too withdrawn. He wanted me to be light, and happy...the perfect wife, mother, hostess, and still to be under his oppressive rule. In my attempt to find my happiness, I embarked on a career dream. Then, he said he loved me, but.......I was now too independent and didn't need him anymore. He left, he said, before I could leave him.

I rebuilt. Took my career and ran. Tried to build my family without help. Tried to do it all myself. I was lonely. So sure no one would love me again.

He loved me, he truly did, and I loved him. The love of my life. But...he had secrets he didn't share. We lived in different worlds. The relationship could not survive in this. He loved me, I loved him, but.......fear kept us apart.

I went on, trying to find myself. Trying to heal and be strong. Trying to survive. I was so horribly lonely. Knowing no one could love me the way he did. Knowing I had lost the love of my life. Never would that emptiness be filled.

I didn't love him, but.....he was a companion. We shared interests. I didn't love him, but.....he filled a void. He was not good for me, or my kids. I didn't want to fail another relationship....but, I didn't love him. He became withdrawn, as did I. Resentful of each other. He of me because I was more successful at my career than he was. Me of him because I wanted a partner, someone to help me with my family, someone that maybe I could grow to love. But, I didn't love him. I tried to tell myself that I did, but......I didn't love him. I had to cut him loose.

I carried on with my life. Alone again. My children emotionally damaged...I tried to was so hard.....too hard.....I wanted so badly to just have a happy family.

He said he still loved me, after all the years apart. He said he still loved me, but.....he had to tell me his secrets now. I understood his secrets, forgave him for not telling me sooner. He loved me, I loved him. There was a long journey ahead, one that would see us together along the way. He loved me, and I loved him. A second chance to be with the love of my life. The emptiness filled. The love of my life with me. Not lonely, so happy, together to make a life. Then, he loved me, but......I needed to make changes. Changes that were for the good of all of us. I embraced those ideas, tried to make them work.....not really knowing how. Needing so much direction, encouragement, learning. He loved me, but.....the children so hard to get them to change. He loved me, I loved him, but......I couldn't make the changes. He loved me, but.....there were so many pressures from everywhere. No more secrets, no more fear, but.....he couldn't stay. He says he still loves me, tells me every day. I know I love him, the love of my life...I know I will never love another.......but,

I failed again. Failed myself. Failed my children. Failed the love of my life.

Friday, November 9, 2007


Would you believe me if I said I did start running and I just got back?? No?? Didn't think so.

I didn't get up the nerve. I feel like a failure....

My sisters ran in the Run for the Cure in September, and I feel awful that I didn't do it with them. Next year, I will....

In 12 days, I will have my inspiration and support team. The love of my life is coming to live with me. He has promised to get me out, to keep me company, to help me be the best I can be. I will keep you informed.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life.........

I have been trying for a few months now to psych myself up to start a new fitness program. I find excuse after excuse after excuse to NOT do it. I had it all set in my head that I was going to start when I went on vacation to my mom's cabin. Well my mom's sister has turned a corner in her illness and my mom had to go to spend the rest of the time my aunt has left with her. So my vacation to the cabin had to be put aside for this year. Just another good excuse for me to not leap forward and get started. I already have in mind what I want to do.....

I want to run

My sisters both started running and have touted to me the wonderful feelings it invokes. I want to feel those wonderful things. I want to expend all this energy I feel building up inside me, manifesting itself into a restlessness, a nervousness that makes me almost feel like jello inside. I want to feel spent and feel my heart pounding in my chest, getting stronger and healthier with each beat. I want to feel good. I want to be healthy of body, mind and soul. I have a new life starting soon, with an amazingly wonderful man, and I want to be healthy and live a long time with him. I need to be healthy.

I am not unhealthy, I am overweight. I have no chronic health problems.....yet. There is a family history of diabetes, cancer, and even some heart disease. I need to make some physical changes and take control of my own health. I don't want to end up being 50 and needing to take handfuls of medications every day. I have overcome so many of the mental things. I no longer need medications for depression. I have found my self worth, and I think it is in finding this self worth that I have this need to take care of my body. Only one problem....

I have a fear of being outside alone.

It is not gripping fear. It isn't as though I can't go outside. But it does seem, the longer I am outside alone, the more the panic and the need to get INSIDE gets. I go places alone. I can easily go from the house to the car to work or wherever I need to go. As long as I have a clear path and know where I am headed. If I go outside to do anything, I am constantly looking over my shoulder and feeling increasingly nervous, until I just go inside. I need to figure out where this is coming from. I have been like this for over 20 years.

So, tomorrow, I am going to just try to suck it up, and go out and do it. I need to start small with the running anyway, so, I am just going to go out, run until I start to feel nervous, then run home, and then hopefully increase my running time and my tolerance for being outside. If anyone has any suggestions, I would love the help and some encouragement as well.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

I have been neglecting this forum lately.....

And I am happy to say that I believe it is because my feelings of self worth have been elevated as of late. I noticed that the focus of this blog had shifted from my own journey to a focus on relationships. I have been in a healthy relationship now for a while. A truly healthy relationship where there is wonderful, meaningful communication, mutual respect, unconditional love, a degree of give and take that is unparalleled. Where we tell each other every day, several times a day, "I love you, you are important to me and I am so very lucky to have you"...and we both truly believe it.

Unlike the past relationships we have both endured, there is no, "I don't sleep with you often because then when I do, you appreciate it more", there is no, "Didn't we already do that?" when trying to kiss the other. There is no waiting for the other shoe to fall, walking on eggshells, feelings of impending doom. There is no wondering, "Is this the day the relationship is over?"

My man, and I have both been through some stuff in the past. We both carry baggage. We are both well aware of our baggage, we are aware of each others baggage and are willing to help carry that baggage. Isn't that is what a relationship should be all about? Accepting the person just as they are, and loving them for only that??

I once read something that really rings true to all my relationships, and is something I must remember in this new one, and something I must share with my man so he understands it too....

"A woman marries a man
thinking she can change him
but she can't

A man marries a woman
thinking she will never change
but she does"

I have changed so much over the years. I will continue to change. I hope always for the better. I will also never look at my man like a "work in progress"....I can only see him as an evolving masterpiece, a vision of perfection, no matter what metamorphosis takes place.

Saturday, May 5, 2007

Relationships.....when to stay, when to go..

It is always such a difficult question when faced with pain, tension, stress in a relationship. To know what road to take. To even acknowledge that one has a choice. We all have choices, free will. When there is pain, the choices are hard to make. The thought processes become muddied. The emotions overtake the logical mind and people make choices and decisions that perhaps are not the best ones for them.

The thing to remember is, the decision to leave can be made unilaterally. If one person decides to leave, there is really nothing the other can or even should do, to try to stop it. The person making that choice may or may not have entered into it with eyes wide open, but there is really nothing the other person can do to open their eyes. It is something that just needs to be accepted. The person who is struggling with that decision should, in all actuality, step back and make sure that it is really and truly the road they want to take, since once started down it, it is really difficult to turn around and go back. The path becomes so littered with broken dreams, broken promises, broken hearts, that navigating your way back is almost impossible. You may make it part way may even make it all the way back, but you will be so battle scarred and changed that what you find when you get back, is not at all what you expected. It is a treacherous road.

The decision to stay and work it out has to be made by both. One cannot decide to work on the relationship and the other just be passive. It takes hard work to stay. It takes being able to look into yourself and into your relationship and come out with a new understanding of each other. A lot of pain has to be re-visited and dealt with. It isn't easy, and it doesn't always work out. Sometimes, at the end of all that work, the decision to leave still has to be made.

It is wonderful when even through the difficulties that a relationship can bring, the underlying reasons that brought the two people together in the first place are still there, and both people can still see them as worth fighting for. I have found someone like that.....finally.

Monday, April 30, 2007

A Sad Day in My History

Stop by my other blog today to see my post about this day....

Did I Just Say That OUT LOUD????