Sunday, February 25, 2007


One of the steps on this journey for me is to forgive myself for past mistakes and poor decisions. And also to forgive others for past mistakes that may have affected me.

I have done a lot of the latter. I have long forgiven my parents for their shortcomings when I was growing up. I recognize that they did the best they could with what they were given. Especially my mother. I love my mother. I make some jokes at her expense. I get upset with her from time to time for her way of reacting to things, but by and all....I love her. I love her strength, she had endured so much. I love her generous nature, she will give whatever she can to help out anyone. I love her for the way she raised me. She was not perfect, by far. But she did work hard, and she gave me everything I ever needed.....not always what I wanted......but always what I needed. She had a very difficult childhood. Far more difficult than I ever had for sure. But she has risen above and raised five children that are good, decent human beings.

My father, rest his soul, had a difficult life as well. He was plagued by depression and alcoholism. He was not the kind of alcoholic that you often hear about. He provided for his family always, he never hit anyone, he was loving and kind. But a lot of the time when he was drinking, he was emotionally unavailable. But I still loved him dearly. He was easy to love, really, even for all of his faults. I have forgiven him.

My first ex-husband and I together made a lot of mistakes and poor decisions. I do not hold him solely to blame for our marriage not working out. We each had our role in it. If I only tell my side, you will think him a bad person, and really, he was not. We were just really bad together. Having gotten together as teenagers, and neither of us being able to mature and grow from that point to make a mature marriage. I had my own demons of depression to deal with, and he didn't understand those either. But I have forgiven him for it all. I have learned from it and have changed my life in some very positive ways because of it. He and I are now able to be friends. We provide a united front for the children, we parent these children effectively, and that is so important. He is supportive of me and my new/old relationship, and I support him in his endeavours. We are very lucky as not many divorced couples can aspire to that.

My last relationship ended rather badly. We were not married, but we share a son. The relationship was a mistake. We both knew it, neither of us strong enough to admit it or do anything about it. Forgiveness will take time. Not sure if he will ever forgive me. Or I him.

I have forgiven myself though, for things in my past. Things I am not overly proud of, but realize were necessary in order to be where I am today. I have forgiven myself for not being perfect. I have forgiven myself for poor decisions that have impacted others, and I have made my apologies the best that I can. I do not seek forgiveness from those I have hurt, since just because I am sorry, does not mean that they have the obligation to forgive me. I have to be happy with just self forgiveness.

Of course, there are things that I am not sorry for. Standing up for myself, not allowing myself to be hurt anymore. I am not sorry for severing relationships that were damaging to me. I am not sorry for putting myself first for the very first time in my life. I am not sorry for taking care of ME.

TODAY: what I like about me.........I am happy.

Friday, February 23, 2007


From Wikipedia:

"Abuse is a general term for the use or treatment of something (person, thing, idea, etc.) that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person or thing, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) or is unlawful or wrongful. Its close synonyms are mistreatment and maltreatment. The word "misuse" has a more distant meaning of incorrect, uneducated use, not necessarily harmful to a person.

Abuse can be something as simple as damaging a piece of equipment through using it the wrong way, or as serious as severe maltreatment of a person. Abuse may be direct and overt, or it may be disguised and covert."

Those are some pretty specific definitions of the term abuse. It would seem that there should be no mistaking it or misunderstanding of what abuse is. But it is not quite so cut and dried.

We all know of people who are in abusive relationships. We look at them and wonder, "how can they let themselves be treated in such a negative way". The thing with abuse is, it usually comes about rather slowly. What I mean is, you don't go out on a first date with some guy and somewhere in that first date he hits you, or calls you a "fat, lazy bitch" and you just say, "I love him so much, I will just put up with that". It is usually gradual and methodical.

Abuse takes on the personality of a chameleon. It blends into the relationship so seamlessly at first that the victim often doesn't even see it. The odd uncomfortable word here or there, a gentle push, ... then escalating to more increasing inappropriate responses to situations until the full blown abuse starts.

Not all abuse is physical. Emotional abuse is very real. Both have physical and emotional manifestations that are detrimental. Both do major damage that can take a lifetime to repair.

Another thing about abuse is how the victim perceives it. It is a personal threshold as to what a person will take and from whom. For some people they will accept rude behaviour from a stranger, but not from anyone closer than that. Others will be quite the opposite, accepting rude behaviours from a loved one, yet not from the store clerk. And what an outsider may or may not see is not necessarily what the person in the situation sees.

Having suffered different abuses over my lifetime, I like to believe I am a pretty good judge and can spot an abusive person a mile off. I have vowed never to allow myself to ever be abused again. I will not allow myself to be physically hurt. I make that very clear very early in a relationship, that if he were to ever strike me, even once, that would be an instant deal breaker and there would be police involved. I will not allow myself to be emotionally demeaned. There is to be no defamation of character, no "jokes" where I am the punch line, no name calling. Those too would be met with great resistance. There is no room for engaging in any activity that feels uncomfortable or is degrading or demeaning. If someone says something or does something to you that leaves you feeling like less of a human being, that is abuse, plain and simple.

I will never be victim of abuse again............

Tuesday, February 20, 2007


What does trust mean? We hear and use the word so often in our daily lives, but what does it really mean? It means to hand over the power you hold in a situation and let someone else hold that power. To trust in someone is to believe that they have your best interest at heart.

I am a very trusting person. I have never really been suspicious of people's behaviours. I have always projected my own behaviours onto other people. If I wouldn't possibly think to break a trust, neither would they, right?

As we all know, this is not always the case. Promises and trusts are broken every minute of every day. People are hurt, and disappointed. In some cases they are even harmed physically. Trust is a very powerful tool, and one shouldn't enter into it lightly.

When there is someone in your life that has proven time after time without fail that they can be trusted with your most intimate secrets, your physical well being, and your emotional stability, you are a lucky person. But you are also a very vulnerable person, because by giving them that trust, you give the the power to destroy you as well.

To trust and be trusted are very wonderful things....don't ever take that too lightly.

Friday, February 16, 2007

To thine own self, be true

This is a quote I have always loved. It is what I aspire to. I have tried to instill this in my children as well. For them to find within themselves that which truly makes them happy and pursuing it with vigor. It is what I have always wanted for myself as well.

I have always admired those people who have been able to do this and make no apologies for it. They live their lives according to their own set of rules while still maintaining the universal law of Live and Let Live. I am not speaking of people who cause harm and pain to others in order to fulfill some perverse pleasure. I am talking about those people who love and accept themselves and make no apologies for such, even if others do not.

I am in such a situation at present. Life has presented me with an opportunity to fulfill a dream, a happiness that I thought was lost forever. The dilemma and the point in which most people seem to dwell on is that this opportunity arose around the same time as another change occurred in my life. The life change that happened first, just paved the way for this opportunity. Almost as if God Himself were the chess master and those of us involved were merely the pawns. I am a believer in God and that He has a definite plan for us. Who am I to mess with that?

There are people in my life who feel the need to impose their opinions about my opportunity and life change on me. I am not sure what they hope to achieve with this? Do they hope that I will look at them and promptly change my course of action? Do they think that I will look at their life course and feel envious that mine has been so fraught with trials and tribulations? Do they feel that I am unaware of the poor choices I have made in the past and that maybe I should just do my penance and never feel joy again? Do they not know that every bad choice, every good choice, every decision, experience, and action has made me who I am.

The person standing before them, the person I am, is the culmination of everything I have experienced, whether it be from choices I have made for myself or choices that have been inflicted upon me. The belief system I subscribe to, the moral code I live by, the personal law I abide by all had evolved over time. It has changed and grown. Not everyone is like that, and that is okay. There are people who have lived by the same set of rules and morals all their lives, making every choice based on that moral code...and there is nothing at all wrong with takes a lot of strength and conviction to be true to that. It also takes strength to be able to change the things that are not working. In either case, the ultimate goal is to be true to yourself. That is what I intend to do. I will no longer make excuses for wanting to be happy. I will not apologize for seizing the opportunity that eluded me six years ago. I will not be ashamed of the situations that were not ideal, for those situations all taught me something, and those lessons are all what were needed to bring me to this point. This point of being on the brink of finding immense joy and fulfillment. Of embarking on yet another adventure, only this time with eyes wide open, fully aware of what I need and want to achieve. To have found a mate who sees all of the flaws I see, yet, does not see them as flaws, but as enhancements, as beauty, as perfection. I will make no apologies for finding the one thing that every person aspires love and be loved for exactly who you are.

TODAY what I like about me: my strength and adaptability.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

A word about love

Happy Valentine's Day

Being in love is one of the most wonderful feelings in the world. You feel giddy, and light. Everything looks right with the world. We all know there are many types of love as well. The most profound being that of unconditional love.

Most people think of unconditional love as the kind of love you have for another human being. A parent for a child, or child for parent. A woman or man for their spouse. This kind of love you feel when you know that no matter what happens, you will still love that person.

But the most uncommon thing I have ever encountered is Unconditional Self Love. Very few people love themselves unconditionally. To do this one has to accept their own limitations, accept the flaws, accept the whole package and love it just the way it is. Unconditional love also means loving despite any changes that may occur.

It is this unconditional self love that I am striving to achieve here in this blog. I have come such a long way in the short time since I started this exercise. I am so much more comfortable in my own skin, happier with myself and my interactions with others. I still have some way to go, but I am happy with my progress.

Friday, February 9, 2007

A discussion about agenda

a list, plan, outline, or the like, of things to be done, matters to be acted or voted upon, etc

Everyone has an agenda. Our agendas are all scripted in a way to accomplish certain tasks in life. Not all agendas are well thought out or scripted, others are so well scripted that there is no way that the goals will not be accomplished. Sometimes a person's agenda is very transparent. You can tell by their words or actions just what it is they are trying to accomplish, even if that person cannot see it clearly them self. Then there are those that are so opaque that they leave you shaking your head wondering what the heck the person is thinking.

For myself, I have a few goals in my life. I want to be happy. I want to be loved. I want to be appreciated. I want to feel self assured and confident. My agenda in order to get to these goals in my life has changed over the years. With maturity and experience we adjust our agendas to become more successful.

We change our approach, our agenda, according to what works and what doesn't. For the most part healthy, well adjusted individuals can recognize when a certain behaviour isn't getting the desired result. We can rewrite the script several times in a lifetime, but also the actual agenda can change over time. Or new agendas can be added to the old.

It is a complicated matter that one cannot fully explore in a few words on a blog. The actual goal of this entry is to have people identify their agendas and the scripts they are using to achieve their goals. Are you being successful? Are you rewriting your scripts to further your success? Are you recognizing when your scripts are not working?

Monday, February 5, 2007


An epiphany is described as a sudden realization of something. A light bulb moment. The great big A HA!!!

My epiphany wasn't quite to "all of a sudden". It has been a more gradual progression, and I know I am not quite there yet. I know I am getting there though. I no longer immediately turn away when I look in the mirror. I am starting to see the good points. I see my smile, and I know why the man who loves me has become addicted to seeing me smile. I look at my eyes, and I know why he wants to spend long hours just looking into them. I can look at my face and see exactly why he tells me everyday that I am beautiful. I can walk past people and I no longer feel that people are looking at me and picking apart my faults, they are seeing the positives. And actually I believe that even if they aren't seeing my positives, shame on them, they should be.

The other side of this is that I am changing in the way I see other people too. I am no longer so critical of other people. I can see the positives in everyone around me too....and that feels good.

I do not feel so miserable or so cranky all of the time. I am truly so much happier. I smile at everyone I see. I feel so light! Lifting the burdens of the poor self esteem has made me walk taller, walk lighter, my heart feels so much lighter too.

I am happy. I feel proud of myself. I feel like I could accomplish almost anything.