It may be that it is Easter, and save for my youngest child, I am spending it alone. I have not ventured to church in many years, and that makes me feel displaced. My family is all scattered and spending the holiday with their own, not as a group. My love is far away, and could not be here right now.
I did not colour eggs. I did not buy stuff for baskets except for a chocolate bunny for each child. I just do not have the spirit to do it. I feel like a failure as a mother, as a human being at times. I feel that I am just barely existing at times in this life. Like I don't have the tools to take care of the things most people take for granted.
Last year at Easter, it was a large family gathering. It was my mother's 75th birthday. I was in attendance with my four children, the man I was living with, my three step-children. I was living this charade of a large, happy family. Everyone commented on how wonderful my family was. I smiled and nodded. Never letting on how unhappy we were.......not even to myself. Not wanting to admit that I had failed, had made a poor choice. Not wanting to hurt children that I loved so dearly ... loved as my own. Not wanting my family to feel that I was to be pitied for another failed relationship.
Life is happier now. On the whole. It is less tense for sure. It is not perfect yet. It will get there. But for today, I am just sad. And feeling sad always scares me a little, because of my history of depression. The utter terror of ever going down that dark road again makes my heart stop. I believe I am in tune to my own body enough to know when it goes beyond being sad to being depressed, but one never knows for sure......