Saturday, April 7, 2007

Feeling the ebb of sadness washing up on my shores again

It may be that it is Easter, and save for my youngest child, I am spending it alone. I have not ventured to church in many years, and that makes me feel displaced. My family is all scattered and spending the holiday with their own, not as a group. My love is far away, and could not be here right now.

I did not colour eggs. I did not buy stuff for baskets except for a chocolate bunny for each child. I just do not have the spirit to do it. I feel like a failure as a mother, as a human being at times. I feel that I am just barely existing at times in this life. Like I don't have the tools to take care of the things most people take for granted.

Last year at Easter, it was a large family gathering. It was my mother's 75th birthday. I was in attendance with my four children, the man I was living with, my three step-children. I was living this charade of a large, happy family. Everyone commented on how wonderful my family was. I smiled and nodded. Never letting on how unhappy we were.......not even to myself. Not wanting to admit that I had failed, had made a poor choice. Not wanting to hurt children that I loved so dearly ... loved as my own. Not wanting my family to feel that I was to be pitied for another failed relationship.

Life is happier now. On the whole. It is less tense for sure. It is not perfect yet. It will get there. But for today, I am just sad. And feeling sad always scares me a little, because of my history of depression. The utter terror of ever going down that dark road again makes my heart stop. I believe I am in tune to my own body enough to know when it goes beyond being sad to being depressed, but one never knows for sure......

5 comments:

jessica said...

I'm so sorry. Here's to next Easter bringing much happiness.

Becky said...

It's it sadness or just melancholy. I know I have been feeling pretty melancholy lately. The warm weather we had gave way to much colder, almost winter temperatures. The sun has been weak at best, hidden behind a cape of gray clouds draped across the skies. I'm stressed out at work and dealing with kid issues at home.

Hang in there...

Desiree said...

I totally understand! I've suffered from depression a good part of my life. Now, when I feel down I make sure I feel my feelings and do what I can to work them through and then I do something to cheer myself up. Even if it is just listening to my favorite music or taking a walk by the river or going out with some friends. I just make sure I don't allow myself to wallow in my misery as I once did. This seems to work for me!

deb said...

It's okay to be sad but I know that scary feeling that you might sink back into depression. I feel like I'm where you were last year, pretending to be happy, pretending everything is okay because the alternative seems to overwhelming to face right now.
Aren't I just a ray of sunshine this morning?

Patience said...

Y'know, sometimes it's okay to be down. Sometimes it's okay even to feel sorry for yourself for a little while. Wallow in it even! Then, if you can brush it off and pick yourself up and be happy again, you know you'll be okay. If you can't do that then maybe it's time to get a little more help!