New Years Day is always the day that people make ridiculously difficult resolutions to change their lives. Most fizzle out long before the month of January does. Some people carry through and make their resolutions stick. I believe that those people who do that were just in the right frame of mind, and it wouldn't matter what day they made that choice, be it January 1st or June 23rd, they would stick to it anyway. I admire those people. To have the will power to stick to something in order to get what they really want. Or perhaps they just really know what it is that they want and go after it.
I wonder if that is true for myself and if that is why I have never been able to get what it is that I want. Maybe I just do not truly know what it is that I want.
I think I want to be thin. I equate thin with beauty. I want to be viewed as beautiful. I want people to see me and really see a beautiful woman.
There is really only one person in my life who has ever said that I was beautiful. Neither of my ex-husbands ever just walked up to me out of the blue and said, "You are beautiful". They would say I looked nice if I got all dressed up to go somewhere, but usually only after me asking them. They may say something about "looking pretty today". But as far as truly seeing me as beautiful, if they did, they never told me.
There is one man, a man I have known for years. A man with whom I have a deep connection, one that surpassed time apart and separate marriages and children. A man I have fairly recently become reconnected with. He tells me I am beautiful. He tells me this on a daily basis. Several times a day, actually. I know that when he looks at me, I am beautiful. The problem is, I still do not feel that way to the general public. I still feel they look at me and see something less than that.
I think though, that the problem is that the general public sees me as I see myself. I see myself as less than desirable, so people around me see me that way as well. When I am with this man, I feel beautiful. I notice that people around me see me differently, because I feel differently.
So, my New Year's Resolution has to be to make the conscious effort to do things that make me feel beautiful about myself. I just have to figure out what those are.