As I was discussing my views and my blog with my dear, sweet friend....I came to the realization.....my focus has definitely changed direction. I have come to see that it isn't so much about the weight anymore, but more about how I feel about me. I am not even so much concerned about what others see in me.
Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that in a few short weeks, I am all of a sudden cured of all of my insecurities and self esteem issues.......I am not. What I am saying is that I am starting to feel good about myself and I am liking myself more. I am proud of myself for being able to put into words these feelings I have, and be able to see them for what they really are.
I am delving into the reasons why I have developed these insecurities, and coming up with some very interesting answers. I have also come up with some interesting answers as to why I have put on the weight as well.
I am finally starting to acknowledge the worth that I have and not try to dismiss it anymore. I have always known it was there, I was just conditioned to not allow myself to believe it. To admit my own intelligence, my own beauty, my own self worth.....that would be boastful.....and being boastful was considered a poor trait to have. To tell others that you were smart, or that you felt you were pretty, those things were egotistical and wrong.
It has taken me 40 years just to be able to say, "I am pretty, I am beautiful, I am smart" And really mean it.....and really not care if the person I am telling it to believes it or not. I know that I have inner beauty as well. I am just finally seeing that by allowing people in to see it, will make it resonate on the outside as well.
Do I still want to be thinner? Yes......I will not deny that. Do I believe that being thinner is the only road to my happiness.......not for a minute. I know my road to happiness lies with what is inside, not with what is outside. And once I can bind the two together, meaning being happy no matter what the outside is, not letting my outward appearance hold me back from anything that makes me happy....then, and only then, will I be able to move forward.