Tuesday, December 5, 2006

Violation of Soul..........

This is how I feel. Violated. My self esteem has been raped, violated in some unspeakable way. To look in a mirror at my own image and feel unworthy of even living at times. I cannot even imagine the horror a rape or molestation survivor must feel.

My spirit was broken, allowing further attack on my soul. Taking me to a place that is so dark and cold in my head. And there are still people in my life that have the ability to put me back in that place, even if only momentarily. I am learning to resist the force of that, keep myself from going to that place, but I still do from time to time.

Recent conversations with my second ex-husband (and trust me, having two ex-husbands does enough of a number on my soul) have shown me that I am changing. I am becoming stronger in my own conviction and resolve. I have had to be firm and stand my ground. I am refusing to allow myself to be subjected to anything further. But more than that, I am realizing that the reason that I was subjected to attacks against my self esteem in the past, was because I allowed it.

I allowed people to make me feel like less. I allowed other people's perceptions of me to shape the way I felt about myself. For a long time, I didn't see it. Now I do, and I am trying to find ways to overcome that weakness in myself. I cannot change the world's perceptions of me, but I can change my own perceptions of me. I am finding that the more I write here, the less this becomes about my feelings of being overweight, and more about how I have allowed myself to be treated in the past. I am starting to see that losing weight is not going to make these feelings any better. Only I can make them better, in my head. I am not exactly sure how to accomplish this fully. I fear it will take many years to finally be able to look in the mirror and not have to go through the mental inventory of finding what is good, that I will just see it. But the fact remains, it took me 40 years to get to this point, I cannot, nor can anyone else, expect me to be able to fix it overnight.


crazymumma said...

YOu are looking. you are getting stronger. you have the courage. It will not take as long as you think, because you are aware of the damage now.

ali said...

i don't have the words.
it's so very brave of you to put these feelings out there.

Desiree said...

Wow a very intense post! You are so right and that is more than half the battle!