Monday, March 12, 2007

Resetting the Internal Set Points

Starting today, I am trying to find a way to reset my internal clock so to speak. I have fallen into a habit of using my size and weight to limit myself in how I think and what I do. I have been sucked into this vortex of the catch 22. My depression depleted my energy levels, then I started to gain weight. Then the weight held me back from doing the things I needed to do to boost my energy. My energy levels dropped even further, causing more weight gain. Throw a few pregnancies, a few more dips into depression, and you find yourself in a very low energy situation.

I am trying to find ways to boost my energy. I know sitting here blogging and watching TV in my bedroom is not contributing positively. One of my biggest issues is not really liking being outdoors. I am not sure if this is a low level agoraphobia or if it is more just a manifestation of the years of wanting to hide myself away from the world.

I feel vulnerable when I am out in the open. When I am outdoors, especially alone. I believe it is something about not being able to control my surroundings completely. Being open and exposed for the world to see and scrutinize. It is an uncomfortable feeling for me. I have always hidden myself. I hide under bulky clothing, I hide under my personality, I hide under my weight. I find it difficult to expose the real me to people. Even here, where I write these editorials. I want so much to lay it all out in the open. Strip myself naked and just let the world see what I really am. But even here I hide. I hide behind my words. I hide behind my insight and intelligence. People comment to me, saying I am so real, so raw, so open, and yet, I know I am still hiding.

There is truly only one person in this world who has seen the real me. And not because I really wanted to show him, but because he looked for me. He has taught me much about myself. Shown me strengths that I never knew I had. Given me courage to shed some of my armour and start letting myself be vulnerable and open. He doesn't expect me to change, he only wants me to discover myself, and love myself for who I am. He wants me to be proud of who and what I am, just as I am. I am starting that journey today. Baby steps..............

5 comments:

deb said...

We all hide, not just from each other, but from ourselves. It's the hardest thing to do, to look at yourself honestly, to accept your imperfections, to love yourself, warts and all.

Anonymous said...

hmph! some "other" people also have a pretty good idea of when you're laying on the shit ... but, I'll forgive the slight and just be happy you're finally saying these things out loud - proud of you.

Desiree said...

Yes baby steps! I'm a firm believer in baby steps!

jessica said...

You are not alone in this struggle... praying for you!

livewithrealme said...

I know exactly what you mean about exposing the real you. Sadly, I don't find it very easy. But I'm happy that you have someone who truly loves you for the real you!