Tuesday, May 27, 2008

When will I get it right

He said he loved me, but......I just didn't obey his commands. He bullied, pushed, tried to force me to obey. My spirit crushed, depression set in. He said he loved me but....I was too lazy, too anti-social, too withdrawn. He wanted me to be light, and happy...the perfect wife, mother, hostess, and still to be under his oppressive rule. In my attempt to find my happiness, I embarked on a career dream. Then, he said he loved me, but.......I was now too independent and didn't need him anymore. He left, he said, before I could leave him.

I rebuilt. Took my career and ran. Tried to build my family without help. Tried to do it all myself. I was lonely. So sure no one would love me again.

He loved me, he truly did, and I loved him. The love of my life. But...he had secrets he didn't share. We lived in different worlds. The relationship could not survive in this. He loved me, I loved him, but.......fear kept us apart.

I went on, trying to find myself. Trying to heal and be strong. Trying to survive. I was so horribly lonely. Knowing no one could love me the way he did. Knowing I had lost the love of my life. Never would that emptiness be filled.

I didn't love him, but.....he was a companion. We shared interests. I didn't love him, but.....he filled a void. He was not good for me, or my kids. I didn't want to fail another relationship....but, I didn't love him. He became withdrawn, as did I. Resentful of each other. He of me because I was more successful at my career than he was. Me of him because I wanted a partner, someone to help me with my family, someone that maybe I could grow to love. But, I didn't love him. I tried to tell myself that I did, but......I didn't love him. I had to cut him loose.

I carried on with my life. Alone again. My children emotionally damaged...I tried to repair....it was so hard.....too hard.....I wanted so badly to just have a happy family.

He said he still loved me, after all the years apart. He said he still loved me, but.....he had to tell me his secrets now. I understood his secrets, forgave him for not telling me sooner. He loved me, I loved him. There was a long journey ahead, one that would see us together along the way. He loved me, and I loved him. A second chance to be with the love of my life. The emptiness filled. The love of my life with me. Not lonely, so happy, together to make a life. Then, he loved me, but......I needed to make changes. Changes that were for the good of all of us. I embraced those ideas, tried to make them work.....not really knowing how. Needing so much direction, encouragement, learning. He loved me, but.....the children so damaged....so hard to get them to change. He loved me, I loved him, but......I couldn't make the changes. He loved me, but.....there were so many pressures from everywhere. No more secrets, no more fear, but.....he couldn't stay. He says he still loves me, tells me every day. I know I love him, the love of my life...I know I will never love another.......but,

I failed again. Failed myself. Failed my children. Failed the love of my life.


Jacques said...

My Baby,

You have never, and will never dissapointment to me. I love you. always...and as we continue in our journey of forever know that you are stuck with me. always. until a younger model comes alone lol. I love you ;-) with all my heart

Smalltown RN said...

what a journey.....and self exploration....I commend you for exploring those thoughts and ideas and for attempting to make change in your life....what would life be if it weren't for the journey?