And I wouldn't want it any other way! I am heading out to my Mom's for the whole holiday season, so you won't see another post here from me until into the New Year. Don't forget to subscribe to this blog and then you will be informed when the new posts start in January.
Thank you to all of my loyal readers for the support I have gotten on this journey so far.
Friday, December 22, 2006
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Label: not well liked........
Not well liked......
What does it mean to be well liked? I supposed it is different things to different people. Does it mean that you have many friends? I am not so sure.
I have a lot of acquaintances. People I work with, people whose children go to school with mine, patients I have cared for in the hospital, people I have met online, people who were friends in my youth, whom I have limited contact with anymore. All acquaintances.......none really friends.....none I would share my intimate details of my life with.
That wasn't always the case though. I used to have a lot of friends. People I considered trustworthy enough to tell everything to. I learned the hard way that this is not necessarily the best thing in the world to have. I found out that even though they people called me "friend", that I was not well liked by them. Why??? was my burning question. What is it that I had done that caused them to dislike me so?
For example, in 1997 I was expecting a baby. I was not thrilled with the news of the pregnancy, it came at a time when my husband and were having a lot of difficulties in our marriage. I was in a state of depression still from the birth of my previous son barely a year before. Then, I found out that the baby I was carrying had a birth defect that was incompatible with life. I shared this story and my pain with a lot of people who were my "friends". People from a chatting community where I had always felt "well liked". Friends from my youth. Even in my own family. The reactions were underwhelming. The online friends really being the worst. They were so supportive to my face.......only to doubt my story and talk about me behind my back. Actually accusing me lying about this horrific experience. I was obviously not well liked to have my "friends" use my personal tragedy as fodder for their gossip. I am still in contact with a few of those people, one in particular who still puts up the facade of caring and friendship, only to cut me down behind my back.
Where I work, I used to always feel that people did not care for me. I am not sure why that was either. I always do my job to the best of my ability, always ready to lend a helping hand when I can. There were a few that could make me feel so very unwelcome. I always let that overshadow my whole day. Until I went on maternity leave. When I came back, I was making a bed with a co-worker. She said to me, "We are sure glad to have you back here, we missed you". In that one instant, my whole outlook changed. I realized I was well liked, by a lot of the staff anyway. I was appreciated. That revelation for me made all the difference. It makes going to work easier, I feel that I actually have people there who care about me. Makes work so much more enjoyable.
So, in your dealings with people, be careful what you do, as you never know when you could be shattering the very fragile psyche of someone. Treat others with respect, you never know what you make get back in return.
I feel I have shaken the label of Not Well Liked fairly well. A lot of it is making sure you surround yourself with people who do actually like you, and block out the ones that only want to gather the dirt on you.
What does it mean to be well liked? I supposed it is different things to different people. Does it mean that you have many friends? I am not so sure.
I have a lot of acquaintances. People I work with, people whose children go to school with mine, patients I have cared for in the hospital, people I have met online, people who were friends in my youth, whom I have limited contact with anymore. All acquaintances.......none really friends.....none I would share my intimate details of my life with.
That wasn't always the case though. I used to have a lot of friends. People I considered trustworthy enough to tell everything to. I learned the hard way that this is not necessarily the best thing in the world to have. I found out that even though they people called me "friend", that I was not well liked by them. Why??? was my burning question. What is it that I had done that caused them to dislike me so?
For example, in 1997 I was expecting a baby. I was not thrilled with the news of the pregnancy, it came at a time when my husband and were having a lot of difficulties in our marriage. I was in a state of depression still from the birth of my previous son barely a year before. Then, I found out that the baby I was carrying had a birth defect that was incompatible with life. I shared this story and my pain with a lot of people who were my "friends". People from a chatting community where I had always felt "well liked". Friends from my youth. Even in my own family. The reactions were underwhelming. The online friends really being the worst. They were so supportive to my face.......only to doubt my story and talk about me behind my back. Actually accusing me lying about this horrific experience. I was obviously not well liked to have my "friends" use my personal tragedy as fodder for their gossip. I am still in contact with a few of those people, one in particular who still puts up the facade of caring and friendship, only to cut me down behind my back.
Where I work, I used to always feel that people did not care for me. I am not sure why that was either. I always do my job to the best of my ability, always ready to lend a helping hand when I can. There were a few that could make me feel so very unwelcome. I always let that overshadow my whole day. Until I went on maternity leave. When I came back, I was making a bed with a co-worker. She said to me, "We are sure glad to have you back here, we missed you". In that one instant, my whole outlook changed. I realized I was well liked, by a lot of the staff anyway. I was appreciated. That revelation for me made all the difference. It makes going to work easier, I feel that I actually have people there who care about me. Makes work so much more enjoyable.
So, in your dealings with people, be careful what you do, as you never know when you could be shattering the very fragile psyche of someone. Treat others with respect, you never know what you make get back in return.
I feel I have shaken the label of Not Well Liked fairly well. A lot of it is making sure you surround yourself with people who do actually like you, and block out the ones that only want to gather the dirt on you.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Labels: Unattractive...........
This one goes along with the first ones. In my head, being chubby, fat, "big boned" or whatever moniker you put on it, is just not attractive.
I know I am pretty. At least I feel pretty when I look in a mirror, after I put on my makeup and do my hair. But being pretty and being attractive are two very different things. I feel that being attractive means that people will actually stop and take a second look at you. That never happens to me. I attribute it to my body shape. It seems to me that if you have blond hair, big boobs, and skinny waist, you are considered attractive, even if you have a plain face. Any girl who is chubby, no matter how pretty she is, is just a "fat chick".
I don't come by these observations arbitrarily either. I have heard it. I have overheard guys talking. I have heard guys talking in conversations where I am included. The media portrays it all over the place. I felt the sting of it when my ex-husband (pick either one) would turn his head and watch a thin, blond, big chested woman walk by, forgetting that I was even in his presence. Every time he would drool after some movie star on TV. I used to hear from them, "its just a guy thing"....but they didn't seem to understand the damage it did, even though I would tell them. The constant feeling of not being good enough.
I have had one relationship in my life where the man was not like this. He treated me with respect, love and kindness. He told me several times a day how beautiful I was. Always begging for pictures, not just the ones where I was all "fixed up" but every day pictures, no makeup, etc.....he loved to look at me. He loved ME. He made me feel beautiful. I remember actually feeling beautiful when I was with him. The funny thing about that, I remember OTHER people taking that second look at me then. It really is about how one FEELS. I have been fortunate to have been able to reconnect with this man recently. He still thinks I am beautiful. How wonderful is that????
I know I am pretty. At least I feel pretty when I look in a mirror, after I put on my makeup and do my hair. But being pretty and being attractive are two very different things. I feel that being attractive means that people will actually stop and take a second look at you. That never happens to me. I attribute it to my body shape. It seems to me that if you have blond hair, big boobs, and skinny waist, you are considered attractive, even if you have a plain face. Any girl who is chubby, no matter how pretty she is, is just a "fat chick".
I don't come by these observations arbitrarily either. I have heard it. I have overheard guys talking. I have heard guys talking in conversations where I am included. The media portrays it all over the place. I felt the sting of it when my ex-husband (pick either one) would turn his head and watch a thin, blond, big chested woman walk by, forgetting that I was even in his presence. Every time he would drool after some movie star on TV. I used to hear from them, "its just a guy thing"....but they didn't seem to understand the damage it did, even though I would tell them. The constant feeling of not being good enough.
I have had one relationship in my life where the man was not like this. He treated me with respect, love and kindness. He told me several times a day how beautiful I was. Always begging for pictures, not just the ones where I was all "fixed up" but every day pictures, no makeup, etc.....he loved to look at me. He loved ME. He made me feel beautiful. I remember actually feeling beautiful when I was with him. The funny thing about that, I remember OTHER people taking that second look at me then. It really is about how one FEELS. I have been fortunate to have been able to reconnect with this man recently. He still thinks I am beautiful. How wonderful is that????
Friday, December 15, 2006
Label: Not Smart Enough; Not Able to Learn New Things
not smart enough.........
This is one that plagues me from time to time. It is a strange one, since, I know I am smart. I know I am intelligent. I pride myself on that intelligence. Yet, there are times, in interacting with other people, that I feel I am not that smart....or not smart enough.
This most frequently occurs at work. And there are only a few people who seem to be able to have this affect on me. They are co-workers. I am not certain if they have this affect on everyone they interact with, I have heard rumblings of the such. I do not know if they do this intentionally, sometimes I think they do, sometimes not. I try not to let it bother me, but I tend to walk away from these interactions feeling less than adequate. This then leads into the next label.
not able to learn new things.......
In my job there are several extra courses that one must take. Being that I am in a rural setting, I don't only have courses for my specialty, I have to do courses for all specialties. I am currently enrolled in the MoreOB course for obstetrics, NRP for neonatal, I am considering the ACLS course for cardiac emergencies and have many of the nurses saying I should be taking the TNCC for trauma nursing. I feel incredibly overwhelmed by all of this, and I feel that there is no more room in my brain for anymore knowledge. I am afraid of failing. So I tend to not try.
I am certain the only way to really shed these labels is to actually enroll in the courses, do well, apply the knowledge and then, only then I will feel that I AM smart enough and I AM able to learn new things.
This is one that plagues me from time to time. It is a strange one, since, I know I am smart. I know I am intelligent. I pride myself on that intelligence. Yet, there are times, in interacting with other people, that I feel I am not that smart....or not smart enough.
This most frequently occurs at work. And there are only a few people who seem to be able to have this affect on me. They are co-workers. I am not certain if they have this affect on everyone they interact with, I have heard rumblings of the such. I do not know if they do this intentionally, sometimes I think they do, sometimes not. I try not to let it bother me, but I tend to walk away from these interactions feeling less than adequate. This then leads into the next label.
not able to learn new things.......
In my job there are several extra courses that one must take. Being that I am in a rural setting, I don't only have courses for my specialty, I have to do courses for all specialties. I am currently enrolled in the MoreOB course for obstetrics, NRP for neonatal, I am considering the ACLS course for cardiac emergencies and have many of the nurses saying I should be taking the TNCC for trauma nursing. I feel incredibly overwhelmed by all of this, and I feel that there is no more room in my brain for anymore knowledge. I am afraid of failing. So I tend to not try.
I am certain the only way to really shed these labels is to actually enroll in the courses, do well, apply the knowledge and then, only then I will feel that I AM smart enough and I AM able to learn new things.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Label: Old Woman
Old Woman
This is a label I have been using a lot lately. I am not sure why exactly. I certainly don't feel like I am an old woman. Maybe I use it as an excuse for not paying much attention to detail, and excuse for being tired or just not wanting to make the effort to do much.
In my mind, I think I am still a 25yr old. I think like a young person, I usually act like a young person........at least the good parts of a young person. I like to dress young, not midriff baring, butt crack showing young, but jeans and shirts young. I don't understand this need to qualify things by saying, "I am an old woman you know"
Turning 40 was not a difficult thing for me. Not like it is for some women. I have always embraced my age. The year I turned 20, I was pretty down. My boyfriend (whom I would later end up marrying) and I had broken up just before my birthday. I was no longer a teenager. My father, who was 59 when I was born, sat me down and gave me some good advice. He said to embrace each birthday, celebrate each one. It is proof that we have fought the battles and are here another year to show for it. This man's family mostly had died fairly young. For him to give me this advice was just wonderful. He lived to the age of 95. I have always lived that way. On my 40th birthday, I celebrated and enjoyed my day. I have never let another birthday get me down. I love being 40, especially when people say, "40?? You can't be 40!!"
I am hereby shedding this label. I will no longer call myself an Old Woman. Even when I am 95, I will think of myself as young and vibrant. Age is only the number of years you have been on this earth, it has nothing to do with what you have done with those years. At 40, I have done and seen much. I have not travelled, I have not scaled a mountain or swam the English channel. But I am raising 4 children, raising them to be good people. To be loving people. I have seen a lot of life and death, both in my job and in my life. I am soon embarking on a new life journey, one that was started several years ago and halted. I have found it again, and am picking up where I left off. This in itself serves to keep me young.
I AM NOT AN OLD WOMAN!!!! I am not. I never will be.
This is a label I have been using a lot lately. I am not sure why exactly. I certainly don't feel like I am an old woman. Maybe I use it as an excuse for not paying much attention to detail, and excuse for being tired or just not wanting to make the effort to do much.
In my mind, I think I am still a 25yr old. I think like a young person, I usually act like a young person........at least the good parts of a young person. I like to dress young, not midriff baring, butt crack showing young, but jeans and shirts young. I don't understand this need to qualify things by saying, "I am an old woman you know"
Turning 40 was not a difficult thing for me. Not like it is for some women. I have always embraced my age. The year I turned 20, I was pretty down. My boyfriend (whom I would later end up marrying) and I had broken up just before my birthday. I was no longer a teenager. My father, who was 59 when I was born, sat me down and gave me some good advice. He said to embrace each birthday, celebrate each one. It is proof that we have fought the battles and are here another year to show for it. This man's family mostly had died fairly young. For him to give me this advice was just wonderful. He lived to the age of 95. I have always lived that way. On my 40th birthday, I celebrated and enjoyed my day. I have never let another birthday get me down. I love being 40, especially when people say, "40?? You can't be 40!!"
I am hereby shedding this label. I will no longer call myself an Old Woman. Even when I am 95, I will think of myself as young and vibrant. Age is only the number of years you have been on this earth, it has nothing to do with what you have done with those years. At 40, I have done and seen much. I have not travelled, I have not scaled a mountain or swam the English channel. But I am raising 4 children, raising them to be good people. To be loving people. I have seen a lot of life and death, both in my job and in my life. I am soon embarking on a new life journey, one that was started several years ago and halted. I have found it again, and am picking up where I left off. This in itself serves to keep me young.
I AM NOT AN OLD WOMAN!!!! I am not. I never will be.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Label: Chubby Girl
Chubby Girl, Fat Chick, Chunky Monkey, Big Girl
all labels that I have given myself. I call myself these things, to show others that I do not hold some false idea of myself. I know I am not thin, I know I am not society's idea of sexy and beautiful......I don't want people who may judge me, to think that I am not aware of this fact.
I want to feel sexy and beautiful in this skin. I am just not sure how to change my thought process. I see other large women, and I have those same negative thoughts about them. "Who does she think she is wearing something like that?" "Doesn't she know that isn't attractive?" But who am I to say what is or isn't attractive to her. To her mate. What things have happened to her in her life that tell her it is okay to look like that, that she can be proud and not hide herself from the world? What things have happened in mine to tell me it ISN'T okay??
I want to get into her head and see what she thinks, how she perceives herself and others. I want to know how to get this kind of self love for myself. I need to get my own mind together and be able to accept myself for what I am........and love myself for it. I am a good person, I am a healthy person, I am an intelligent person, why can't I just be happy with myself?
This is not to say that I want carte blanc to be able to gain and gain and gain more weight, that is not what I want at all. I want to be able to love myself enough the way I am, and maybe then in turn I will stop hiding myself from the world. If anyone has any good suggestions as to how to get this task accomplished, I would gladly embrace them.
all labels that I have given myself. I call myself these things, to show others that I do not hold some false idea of myself. I know I am not thin, I know I am not society's idea of sexy and beautiful......I don't want people who may judge me, to think that I am not aware of this fact.
I want to feel sexy and beautiful in this skin. I am just not sure how to change my thought process. I see other large women, and I have those same negative thoughts about them. "Who does she think she is wearing something like that?" "Doesn't she know that isn't attractive?" But who am I to say what is or isn't attractive to her. To her mate. What things have happened to her in her life that tell her it is okay to look like that, that she can be proud and not hide herself from the world? What things have happened in mine to tell me it ISN'T okay??
I want to get into her head and see what she thinks, how she perceives herself and others. I want to know how to get this kind of self love for myself. I need to get my own mind together and be able to accept myself for what I am........and love myself for it. I am a good person, I am a healthy person, I am an intelligent person, why can't I just be happy with myself?
This is not to say that I want carte blanc to be able to gain and gain and gain more weight, that is not what I want at all. I want to be able to love myself enough the way I am, and maybe then in turn I will stop hiding myself from the world. If anyone has any good suggestions as to how to get this task accomplished, I would gladly embrace them.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Labels............
In a lifetime people have many labels that are put on them, either by themselves or by others.
Girl
Daughter
Sister
Wife
Mother
Nurse
Ex-wife
Step mom
These are but a few of the labels I have carried over the years. Each of these can be described further. I was either or Good Girl or a Bad Girl depending on the situation or the person involved. I was a Baby Sister, I suppose I still am in the eyes of my siblings. Perhaps I was considered more a Spoiled Baby Sister when I was younger. I was a good wife, an indifferent wife, a common-law wife. Each of those bring visions to your, the readers, minds of what that means to them. I am a Nurse, and even without the descriptors, that brings to mind certain visions of what that makes me.
Labels can be put on us by others, their judgements, their perceptions, their own experiences in their lives. These labels have the ability to make one feel less of a person. The more they are put on you, the more they can become true, if we let them. A self fulfilling prophecy of sorts.
There are many many negative labels I have put on myself. These are labels I need to start to shed.
chubby girl
old woman
not smart enough
not able to learn new things
unattractive
not well liked
not good enough
Those are just to name a few of the more prevalent ones. Those are the ones that seem to be weighing most heavily. I am going to explore in the next few posts, ways to shed those labels. Being told that I am not those things is not really the point of this exercise, it is learning to tell myself I am not those things, in hopes of truly believing I am not those things.
Here are some of the positives that I do believe about myself already, just so you don't think I am a depressed loser who doesn't at least see some self worth.
I am intelligent. I know I am intelligent.
I am a loyal friend. Sometimes to a fault. I held onto a dying relationship for probably two years too long, just to prove my loyalty. Even when my own self respect was being attacked by that relationship, I was loyal.
I am a fair and compassionate nurse. I treat all of my patients with the same level of compassion, no matter how sick or how irritating they may be.
I am a good mom. I am not the perfect parent, I don't believe there is such a beast. I am a good mom because I discipline my children, I love them and tell them I love them all of the time. I have rarely had opportunity over the years to co-parent my children with a spouse, since most of the time there has not been one either physically or mentally present in this home. I have always had to do all of the discipline, and all of the love. I have done it well.
Tell me some of your labels. Which ones are negative? What would you like to learn to shed? What are your positives??
Girl
Daughter
Sister
Wife
Mother
Nurse
Ex-wife
Step mom
These are but a few of the labels I have carried over the years. Each of these can be described further. I was either or Good Girl or a Bad Girl depending on the situation or the person involved. I was a Baby Sister, I suppose I still am in the eyes of my siblings. Perhaps I was considered more a Spoiled Baby Sister when I was younger. I was a good wife, an indifferent wife, a common-law wife. Each of those bring visions to your, the readers, minds of what that means to them. I am a Nurse, and even without the descriptors, that brings to mind certain visions of what that makes me.
Labels can be put on us by others, their judgements, their perceptions, their own experiences in their lives. These labels have the ability to make one feel less of a person. The more they are put on you, the more they can become true, if we let them. A self fulfilling prophecy of sorts.
There are many many negative labels I have put on myself. These are labels I need to start to shed.
chubby girl
old woman
not smart enough
not able to learn new things
unattractive
not well liked
not good enough
Those are just to name a few of the more prevalent ones. Those are the ones that seem to be weighing most heavily. I am going to explore in the next few posts, ways to shed those labels. Being told that I am not those things is not really the point of this exercise, it is learning to tell myself I am not those things, in hopes of truly believing I am not those things.
Here are some of the positives that I do believe about myself already, just so you don't think I am a depressed loser who doesn't at least see some self worth.
I am intelligent. I know I am intelligent.
I am a loyal friend. Sometimes to a fault. I held onto a dying relationship for probably two years too long, just to prove my loyalty. Even when my own self respect was being attacked by that relationship, I was loyal.
I am a fair and compassionate nurse. I treat all of my patients with the same level of compassion, no matter how sick or how irritating they may be.
I am a good mom. I am not the perfect parent, I don't believe there is such a beast. I am a good mom because I discipline my children, I love them and tell them I love them all of the time. I have rarely had opportunity over the years to co-parent my children with a spouse, since most of the time there has not been one either physically or mentally present in this home. I have always had to do all of the discipline, and all of the love. I have done it well.
Tell me some of your labels. Which ones are negative? What would you like to learn to shed? What are your positives??
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